I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
