have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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