her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
