There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
someone owes me an orgasm
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
