I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
