wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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