I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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