we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
