Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
