i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
