Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
