Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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