And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
