shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
