How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
