im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
