I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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