Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
