I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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