i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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