Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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