I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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