I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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