There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
