He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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