The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
