Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You need Xanax blowdarts
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
