It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
