Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
