Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
