how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Houston, we have a blender
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
