I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize