Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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