i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize