The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
