Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
