I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
