its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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