Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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