Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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