we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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