I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
