Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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