I just threw up on my dentist
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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