And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize