This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
