im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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