I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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