One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
