he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
