saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
