You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
