and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
