everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
