I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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