Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
