woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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